Straight hair: Check, July 6.

Botox: Check, June 30th

Nipple Tattooing: Not so checked. Apparently, "Esther"—have I ever told you not only how Jewish Mt. Sinai is, but Orthodox as well?—told Nora that she wouldn't work on my formerly scabby nipple. So Nora rudely canceled me and didn't tell me. This was supposed to be June 29th.

I arranged my NYC, JAX and consequently, BOS trips around this date.

Solution: Call every plastic surgeon in my Humana Network tomorrow and see if they can tatt me.

The plus side is that Botox Tuesday means I can head up to Jax and (private, finally) beaches early.

Then: July 5th, Sunday night leave for NYC.

Return to Jax July 7th Tuesday night. Drive back to Miami the next day. Fly to Boston the next day, rent car drive to Cape Cod. Sunday night in Boston, back to Miami Monday night.

Tuesday or Wedsnday back to Jax for brother's 30th birthday week. I turn birthdays into week-long celebrations, especially 30th ones. Beach house at Ponte Vedra for rest of July and first week in August is where I'll be. It doesn't rain every day up there; a huge plus in and of itself.

Once I can get this tatting situ figured out, I'll be back to my level of normal, which is, of course, batshit.