Whole Foods Fun

Whole Foods South Beach, 20 minutes ago:

I'm actually hoarse from Laura's wild-n-out bachelorette party last night, so I know I couldn't have been talking that loud. (The Whole Foods in SoBe is about 1/2 as big as most Whole Foods and packed on Sundays. It's a very social store where you always see a friend or two, especially on Sundays.)

I walked in on the phone with Dana, whom I hadn't talked to in several days. I was in the frozen section picking out (pathetic) dinner. And I was on the phone. Then I moved to the other side of the aisle and this older woman turned around and in Engrish—butchered English—she said:

"Scuze me cell phone."

"Yes, this is a cell phone. Your point?"

"Please, you go away not talk on cell phone behind me."

Dana's hearing the whole convo and one of the stocking guys is watching this go down with amusement.

"Excuse me? Why should I not talk on the cell phone near you?"

"You move. No talk on cell phone near me."

"I'm asking you why? Are you afraid of microwaves to your brain?"

I'm standing my ground, not moving. If she could actually give me a reason, in decipherable English, I might have indulged her eccentricity.

"No cell phone!" She huffs and leaves like there were snakes in the freezers.

"What the fuck was that? I asked the dreadlocked employee who was laughing by then.

"Dude, I don't know. She asked me if we had a certain fruit and when I told her I had to go to the back to get it she yelled at me. I stayed away after that."

I continue with my conversation and shopping. I swear I don't talk loud, in fact I usually talk low, and I don't ever talk on the cell phone at the gym.

WTF. As I was leaving the guy who witnessed the incident teased, "No talking on the cell phone, miss!"