Sunday, January 29, 2006

Oh-kay. I'm the paranoid one? I received this forward today. I know it's well-intentioned, but, um, yeah. I love the "better paranoid than dead" line. I guess I've completely forgotten what life is like outside Manhattan, what with rampant carjackings, kidnappings, muggings etc. Suddenly NYC is seeming slightly more sane than the burbs.

Then again, there is always the New York Social Diary to remind us that Manhattan really isn't so normal. Not even close. ( And these people are much more frightening in person, trust me. I'm done writing about personal stuff here, as now there are definitely random people reading and that totally freaks me out.

I want to murder the genius who invented squeaky toys for dogs. Bad, horrible, evil idea. My next dog will not be given these monstrosities. She will not be fed cat food either, God willing. It's like 60 degrees here and the dead of winter, which means that it will be snowing in April, when I am lying on the beach in Florida. Ha.

Subject: Safety for Women - not humor

We can now add to the list of victims the retired 77 yr. old TCU professor

from Ft Worth whose body was found last week in Oklahoma--and the 11 yr. old

in Sarasota, FL. Because of these recent abductions in daylight hours,

refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...This is

for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you


After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about.

It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If

you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for

your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from

you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse

than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER


3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail

lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The

driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating,

working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.

DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect

opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head,

and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS


a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF,

repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything,

wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back

seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and

run. I! t is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking


A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side

floor, and in the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger

door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their

vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the

passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you

may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to

walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible

places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at


7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!

The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even

then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Prefer! ably ! in a

zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you

raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well

educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He

walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle

or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

************* Here it is *******

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying

baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because

it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you

do, DO NOT open the door."

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window,

and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The

policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT

open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry

recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone

dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several

calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when

they're home alone at night.

Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This

e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was

mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the

serial killer in Louisiana.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life.

A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this

to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters,

daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world

we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.

Minor, I Repeat, Minor Musings

Have had another exhausting weekend and long day of travel. What is it about airports and planes that is so draining? I will try to post more extensively tomorrow, but in the meantime:

Roberta Flack was on my flight from ATL today. There was no first class section; it was a Song flight. She asked one of the crew members if she would get a refund/credit on her ticket, because she was booked in first originally. Delta switched aircraft at the last possible minute, in Atlanta, in the middle of the afternoon, causing a huge glut in boarding. She wore sunglasses the entire time. Really dark ones. Only knew it was her because her road manager was sitting next to me and I caught snippets of his convo with someone across the aisle from me. I care VERY little about celebrities anymore after having washed their dirty laundry at a certain, unmentionable magazine I may have worked at, but I do think Killing Me Softly is a classic. The sunglasses thing—it's a celebrity form of nonverbal communication that screams, "Look at me! I am SOMEBODY!" Or maybe she was just hungover. Whatever.

I lost yet another piece of jewelry. This is becoming a disturbing pattern over the past couple of months. I try not to sweat the small stuff, but this was another very lovely, sentimental piece that belonged to my grandmother. I'm going to try to track it down, but given that the party was 500+ people in another state, I think that someone probably has an antique diamond and gold brooch they found on the ground somewhere last night. Alcohol.

Expensive shoes are, contrary to popular opinion, not better for your feet, more comfortable or more ergonomic than less expensive ones. I feel that I have scientific proof of this on a couple of different fronts. First, for about a year, I was running and working out in these totally ghetto, old-school looking sneaks I picked up at Woodbury Commons for like $20. My BFF made fun of me in these sneaks, as she said they were "cheerleading" shoes. I don't know if this is true, but I know that I never had one single foot problem or blister from these cheapo sneaks. Last month I went to the running store my parents frequent in their hometown, and one of the dudes there "fitted" me for new sneaks. Nice, expensive ones. Since buying them, I not only have nasty blisters galore, but my ankle is freaking killing me. I suppose I should just go pick up another $20 pair and call it a day.

Second, while at this great shoe repair place last week that Bergdorf's suggested, the saleswoman began talking my ear off when I requested slingback stickies. (Men: see picture. Repeat after me: Slingbacks Drop it in your next convo with your wife/girlfriend/mistress/paid entertainment. She'll be duly impressed.)

Slingbacks look hot, and they are nice in theory; aesthetically pleasing. The problem is, the slingbacks NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER stay in place, so they sell these sticky pads to put on the back of them. There is seriously a whole retail niche that has been filled by the makers of these ridiculous sticky pads. And we women, freaks that we are, buy them and stick them in the back of our stupid, overpriced shoes. Slaves to fashion. I've stopped buying slingbacks for this precise reason, but the ones I have I like, so I keep repairing them. This one pair of Manolos, has broken TWICE. First the slingback snapped in half, then recently another piece of the top snapped. I've worn the fuckers like three times total. $400+ shoes, should not break so easily, in my opinion. So I was at the shoe repair place, buying the damn sticky pads yet again, when the saleswoman revealed a trade secret. The sticky pads, are, as any woman who has used them knows, but probably won't admit, a complete gimmick that we continue to buy into—apparently, due to the physical positioning of the slingback (low on ankle), it is actually impossible for it to stay in place.

"Manolo, Choo, they both do slingbacks too low. We must fix. So what happens? We take off slingback and actually reposition them for women. That is only solution," the shoe repair woman said conspiratorially.

My eyes widened. WTF? How the hell did I not know this, with all my experience? I should have my shopping license revoked. Seriously though, we pay sick, sick amounts for these freaking shoes and then we are supposed to pay more money, probably another $30, $40 to fix them, before they even break? I am SO done with slingbacks.

I am sharing this story for a couple of reasons. First, because I know that some of my friends/readers may not know this and will actually find the information useful. Second, it fits in with my running theme here of "the grass is not always greener." We Manolo and Choo-wearers are just as uncomfortable as you are in your less pricey pairs. So the next time you put on your Nine Wests or Steve Maddens or whatever, and wish you could afford a pair of those shoes you saw in Vogue or heard about on Sex and the City just remember, Manolo sucks. And Choo can kiss my ass. They are both clearly sadists.

And guys, next time you are on a date or in a bar or wherever, look at the women's feet. If she dares to wear a slingback, see if you can spot the telltale adhesive strip poking out of the back. You'll get a good chuckle out of it. And if there is no adhesive sticker thingy, thus it follows that: They are not Manolos or Choos, or, disturbingly, the gal has shelled out upwards of $400 for the shoes, AND, another $40 or so to have the backs repositioned. We are such suckers. I'm going to stop writing now, before I know it the Manolo Mafia is going to put a hit out on me. Must go to bed. My fucking feet are really killing me.