Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I think I'm suffering for yoga withdrawal, which I know makes me sound insufferable, but whatever. I've found that yoga is like the one hour where my mind goes blank and all my focus shifts to keeping my balance—a hefty feat for a completely uncoordinated, klutzy fuck like me.

I'm readjusting to civilian life still and I'm amazed to say that the temporary teeth have stayed on for a week now, though last night I accidentally bit into a Milky Way with them and felt the pesky one shift. I've taken to just walking around with my mouth agape so I don't clench my jaw and grind. God. Okay, so my date with Oribe is tentatively scheduled for a week from Friday. The day I get my veneers.

Imagine my delight when a little angel delivered this to me Monday:

I die. Now that's what I call recycling. So I did what any good product whore would do. I gave them their own special shelf above my tub so I can gaze at them lovingly and marvel at their gorgeous, glamorous packaging.
Uh, excuse the photography. For some reason I did this with my phone. Probably cause I was in such a tizzy upon receiving these. There is a reason I worship this man. And how many products do you know that have humorous instructions?

This I-can't-wait-to-try 24k Gold Pomade reads: "Sleek back you hair with super-rich gold highlights for instant lustrous glamour. Excellent for use on pleasure craft, in convertibles or anywhere a little 24-karat seduction is needed. Smooth onto wet or dry hair and style sexily. Add string bikini and dark glasses."

I'm glad I got that white, Cosabella string bikini. Not that I have any illusions about walking around the beach in a string bikini with gold hair. As if I'd actually walk in public in a string bikini. (Another pro-private-beach trait.)

You guys know I don't endorse products I don't use or don't love, with that caveat . . . These products are a-fucking-mazing. Seriously, they totally work in this weather. Yesterday I actually took the time to shower after the gym and brought with me the shampoo, conditioner, styling cream and anti-humidity spray. It is so hot here I can not even begin. Despite the Jap straightening, the hair still frizzes.

(And oh yeah, I had to look good for my three-month post-Herceptin/treatment check up with Dr. Schwartz. CBC and physical good. Ca 153 and 125 bloodwork will be back Friday. Incidentally, Schwartz said that Norton says that Vitamin D has been conclusively linked to being a great preventative tool for breast cancer. Like, really. I don't do vitamins except the folic acid for hair growth. I will get the D today along with my controlled substances at the pharmacy. I digress.)

So, back to what really matters. The hair—I used all four products, spraying the anti-humidity one on last. The hair did not frizz all-day. Despite me sitting out in the 100-degree—speaking of, why isn't there a key on my Mac for the degree symbol?—
heat with Alexis.

Maybe I will experiment with the gold pomade later. Though it may be lost on Wally and the TV. I could always wear it to yoga. Nobody would think that weird. It's South Beach. There was this real queeny gay in my class the other night wearing only Speedos. I'm not kidding. Speedos, only. Seriously.