Shrinks on Speakerphone

Dr. Melnick (35-year-old, cool as shit, sarcastic as fuck, psychiatrist and psychopharmacologist):

"I heard of another JDate success story."

"Meh. Dating. JDate. Meh. I've met 10 crazies on there and one normal guy."

Dr. Melnick: "What happend to the one normal guy?"

"Shacking up with a Shiksa."

Dr. Melnick: "Eh, can't compete with that."

"What am I supposed to say in my profile? I am a breast cancer survivor, if you can't handle that don't read on?"

Dr. "Stop it. You're not going to say that in your fucking profile. Have you gotten laid after your surgery?"

"Which one?"

Dr. Melnick: "Any of them."

"I haven't had sex since, you know the guy. The musician guy."

Dr. Melnick: "Ah yes, the black rapper."

"Shut up. It's been a year, okay? So what?"

Dr. Melnick: "So what, you need your pipes cleaned. Who gives a shit about the stupid cancer. Look—and this is what it boils down to with guys—you've got two tits, a hole and a heart."

"Fine. I will go on Jdate and just look. I sulk

Dr. Melnick: "Jesus, just join. Pay the $20. In fact I'll give you the $20."

"Okay, I promise I will look tonight instead of watching America's Next Top Model."

Dr. Melnick: "Yeah, sure you will."

And then we proceed to call 90210 therapist on speakerphone so that Melnick and her can talk about moi. You know you're really Woody-Allen-level crazy when your L.A.-based therapist and your Miami-based psychiatrist set up a phone date to discuss their shared patient.

But tough loves works on me—I joined JDate.