Jesus Christ (sorry Lynn, sometimes I just can't help it!). Mom just nearly gave me a heart attack when I got this email:

Took Wally to dr today; his cough was worse than usual. They took x-rays and everything looks good; little swelling around his trachea so she gave him an antibiotic and cough medicine! Heart looked good and no masses anywhere. She said he has a narrow trachea so that is why he coughs a lot, but he is fine, and he was so good!

Wally is with the grandparents cause of my traveling. Something you should know about mom: She doesn't take our dogs to the vet unless it's time to put them to sleep. (Actually, dad does it then.) She's convinced that dogs don't need check-ups, and despite this behavior, Betsy and Lou Lou lived till 17 and 16 respectively.

Anyway, fuck, now that I can breathe again. My poor little baby, I miss him so much but won't get to collect him until I'm home for the holidays. When the fuck is Hanukkah this year anyway? All I want is a gift certificate to Momotaro for my Japanese straightening. I can't handle the Jonah-Hill-style Jewfro anymore and I think it'll be long enough to straighten by Feb. Perhaps by my mastectomy anniversary. (Feldman makes fun of me for having like 30 cancerversaries, but I don't care.)

In other news. . .

Can you believe Sunny von Bulow finally died? I've always been fascinated by that story and cannot wait to read an (assumed) piece on the whole shebang by Dominick Dunne. If you haven't seen Reversal of Fortune, you must rent.

Dr. Rosenbaum had last-min surg today and had to resched my appointment. So I'm standing here typing this in my Juicy pants, no shirt and a non-stick dressing over the dick nipple in hopes of compressing it's constant fucking boner.

On the plus side, if I do have to go in for laser hair removal, I'll have my upper lip, armpits (can't use razor on left armpit cause I have no feeling there) and South of the Border done as well.
I should probably see to the hair and dick nip issue before Tomas does his final portrait of me. The girls will be covered by—wait for it—jewelry. Editorial style. Landsberg will loan and I'll also use my own.

I was under the illusion that today was Monday until about 4 p.m. today, since I was writing one of my articles and today was my first day at home. My bad.

I have little-to-no appetite lately, but am not reaping any benefits of that. I think I should book an appointment with Dr. Hottie, aka the gynecological oncologist. Lemme tell you ladies, it's a pleasure to get a pap smear with this man.

That's all for now. I'm jumping into the shower, finishing my column and hanging out with Laura. So maybe I will be hungry tonight after all;)