Someone, Please Take My Nipples

I'm ba-aack. Miss me? Well, I'm sitting in O'Hare right now having decided to go standby on an earlier flight back to the beach. I've been in Suburbia with Dana and fam since Thursday, so I'm afraid I don't have any hilarious, debaucherous, law-breaking stories for you, but I've got a few rants. So that's just as good.

First and foremost—the fucking, bloody penis nipples. The left one? Perfect. The most perfect nipple you could conjure up. The right one? Still a bit of a penis I'm afraid. A little pointy penis, adorned with stitches.

And remember this post:

Adding the aureoles—which they spelled areola on all the official papers—is a skin graft. They excise the skin from just above your pubis. As in, right above your hairline. You can probably guess where I'm going with this.

He began by drawing in the skin graft area, a horizontal, inch-deep, three+-inch wide, half-moon shape. He takes the skin, then stitches up the remaining skin together in a modified tummy tuck fashion. (Unfortunately, this area is below the chemo-baby roll of flab.)

"You'd better not give me hairy nipples Doc," I said. That really can happen. Can you even imagine?

"Well, you've kind of thrown me off by shaving."

"Oh," I said, "I thought that would help." I don't know why that came out, suddenly I'm modest? I'd debated on whether to shave or not; in the end vanity won out as usual."

He said: Sometimes hairy nipples do happen in these situations and no biggie, you can laser-remove it. I really thought he was being sardonic. I mean, surely this world-renowned plastic doctor who has turned this mutilated mess into a work of art would not give me hairy nipples. Never.

The scabs are almost all healed now, meaning my nipples/aureoles are sans stitches and other detritus. Since the surgery, there have been odd bits of stitches and stuff poking out. Some clear, some—I thought—black.

Well. Imagine my delight when I discovered that the few stray "stitches" poking out of my aureoles are actually little, straight, short black hairs.

I have hairy nipples, people. I really do. Pubic hairy nipples. Me. Vain, appearance-obsessed, beauty-columnist me. Hairs. On my nipples. Have I mentioned I have pubic hair on my nipples?
Okay, you get the point. The odd thing is that they are very short and very straight. Who has short straight pubic hair? I know this is my hair on my nipples, but how did it get Japanese straightened in the transfer of power from the pubis to the tatas?

Whatever the case may be, naturally I will have Dr. Rosenbaum take care of this tomorrow. There goes playboy.

You can check out my Chicagoland photos on Facebook here. The houses that you see you'll recognize from Ferris Bueller's Day off, Sixteen Candles, Home Alone and other Brat Pack flicks filmed in the areas where Dana lives. I'm off to board my flight and ponder my pubic hair dick nipples.

I love my life.

Oh, and it's even better now that I just realized that I posted an excerpt from the memoir and you guys had absolutely no comments. Lovely. Why the fuck do I bother with this blog? I think from now on I'll only be posting weekly.